Jeanne Frantik
My imprint moment in my Catholic faith was when I was in second grade. My ‘Grandpa G’ had recently died and I had just made my first communion. We were sitting in the front row of St. Peter and Paul Church in Naperville. A cathedral like early 1900’s church. We didn’t often sit that close - maybe that is why it was such an impactful moment.
I was kneeling next to my grandmother. When the Memorial Acclaim was recited, I looked up to see her mouthing the words by heart. I was in awe. How does she know all of those words?
To this day, whenever the Memorial Acclaim is recited, I feel myself small like a child and I can see grandma next to me mouthing “Through him, with him, in him…”. It humbles me every time. It allows me to go back to being a child for just those few moments in time.
I say this with all humility, but I am a great ‘child’ of God. I’m really good at not worrying too much, I have enough people in my life to do that for me. If I am struck with joy, I will laugh like a giddy child aloud… no matter the setting.
That being said, I am a terrible ‘adult’ of God. I tried to be an ‘adult of God’, and I thought I was doing a great job, until God ‘challenged’ me, I ‘passed’ and then withdrew and feared what he felt I was capable of really handling.
I’m sure you have heard the saying ‘The Lord only gives you what you can handle’. Well I believed that and recited it often… when he ‘gifted’ me three children in less than three years, when my son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes before the age of two, and when my youngest ‘quit preschool’.
I often repeated that saying - cynically. I would look to the heavens and say ‘really, Lord?’ or ‘how strong do you think I am, God’?
As I continued to ‘adult’ in faith, I was doing all the right things: retreats, mom’s group, Sunday mass, VBS, etc… until my first Abraham moment came.
My faith was STRONG, so strong that when the day came where my son passed out on the couch and his blood sugar unexpectedly plummeted to 19 (should be 80-120), I was living on faith and trust. I called 911. The paramedics came and I stood over my son in the ambulance while I watched my neighbor walk the girls to her house, wondering if the girls would see their brother alive again.
I kept whispering to him “Jesus loves you, Jesus loves you, Jesus loves you”. As the paramedics tried to get him to respond, their conversation was quiet and bleak. I pictured Abraham and Isaac, and I said out loud over my dear son - lifting my eyes to heaven, “Lord, if this is your will, here is my son.”
Again, I was in a very strong place in my faith, because you do not test God with those words over your child’s life. But I meant it with all of my heart. The Lord only gives you as much as you can handle, right?
As those words exited my mouth, Matthew began tossing and turning and the paramedics said, ‘There he is!’ And with sirens ablaze, we sped off to the hospital.
After throwing all my faith and trust in God with my son’s life, I was so grateful, but I went into ‘adult’ mode.
(If you have been reading these blogs, I want you to know this is not the same story as the week before my marathon. It is the prequel.)
If God felt that I could handle THAT, what else did he have in store for me. I didn’t want anything ELSE! Wasn’t that the final exam? Couldn’t the rest be a free pass for me to enter heaven? I offered you my son! What else could you want?
I went into full on adulting mode - controlling and not letting God too close because then he might do something CRAZY again, and I didn’t WANT to have to be that strong again.
Time passed, and I continued to do all the ‘things’, but it was a check list - things to do, not things to open my heart to.
Fourteen years passed, and I was an okay catholic, but a lot of the world took over with the business of having a family. I kept my distance from God, because my biggest fear had been presented to me, and fear of what God thought I could handle was in control of my heart.
In 2015, my 102 year old grandpa (Grandpa C) died. I had never experienced heartbreak like that. He was THAT grandpa. We laughed so hard together and loved each other so deeply. The only thing that we ever wanted from each other was time and love. Grades, job, awards… none of that mattered. Our love only required time together. Sound familiar?
Adulting had distanced me from the other one in my life who just wanted love and time… my Father in heaven. Although I was distant, he was still waiting with open arms.
I started reestablishing my prayer life and a rich faith community. Slowly began to trust again. My biggest fear was still that he would give me more than I WANTED to handle. But through the grace of my priest and my sisters in Christ, I was able to trust completely.
I learned a new saying to replace, ‘the Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle’. It is ‘the Lord gives you MORE than you can handle… so you turn to him and let him carry it for you.’ ‘God will give you more than you can handle so that his great power might be displayed in your life.’ (2 Cor 4:17)
I replaced fear and control, with trust and faith. I found freedom and joy.
In 2019… a week before my marathon, he did it! He gave me MORE than I could handle. It was my biggest fear all over again… the threat of losing my son… and I responded again with my whole heart… Abraham moment #2 “Lord, if this is your will… here is my son.” (see entry 2.6 for full story)
I am a great CHILD of God. Like John, I run to the tomb and proclaim HE IS RISEN. I don’t ask questions like Thomas. I run to the Lord with open arm and let him embrace me like my grandpa… with nothing but love. The Lord wants us to be like little children.
I will giggle in delight in the middle of mass if the Holy Spirit prompts it, I will smile when I offer the Eucharist, and I will run up to people with giddiness when the joy of the Lord prompts it. When the spirit moves… I am delighted – and he delights in me… and you.
Psalm 18:19 – “He delivered me, because he delighted in me.”
Psalm 147:11 “God delights in those who reverence him and trust him and put their hope in his unfailing love. God does not delight in strength but he delights in us when we acknowledge our weakness and our need of him.”
Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God will take great delight in you, he will quite you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
I will always see my grandma mouthing the Memorial Acclaim, and I will always revert to that child that my grandpa and my Lord delights in.