Reflection authored by: Joan “Ski” Sieczkowski, OLIH Communications Coordinator
I’ll be honest. This must have been the first ‘unclaimed’ chapter I saw on the list and that’s why I signed up for it. “Successful Confrontation” is not only an oxymoron in my life, it is non-existent!
I was raised in a household of, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” So my defacto coping mechanism for conflict is to clam up. (Now you know my secret—if I’m not talking to you, I’m upset with you; no doubt one of the factors in the demise of my first marriage. My ex enjoyed fighting, I did not. Thus, my passive-aggressive-self learned that fighting is like clapping—impossible to do with just one hand!)
In reading over this chapter’s ‘Model for Successful Confrontation’, my first thought was “I’ve never done this or felt the need to”—especially not with friends. (H’mmm, is that because I only hang out with like-minded people or because I don’t have many friends?) And, my default laissez-faire attitude for anyone else would be, ‘they’re entitled to their own opinion/way of doing things’ (however misguided that might be!)
As I dug deeper though, I thought of the times I had to deal with conflict back in my management days. In those days, I did not work at places where I could have started the meeting off in prayer but I did pray for help in dealing with the turbulence I was feeling in having to terminate someone’s employment. Sure enough, God gave me a sense of peace with the realization it was the employee, not me, who was in control. I wasn’t the ‘meanie’ for firing someone, instead, after weeks of meeting about expectations, on jointly coming up with action plans, of discussions on those plans then not being followed, and in essence, delaying the inevitable, that it really was the employee who made the decision—consciously or unconsciously—they didn’t want the job. My part was to help them be at peace with their decision and, as my Dad, used to counsel, “at the end of the day, each person needs to walk away with their dignity intact.”
Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll ever be a professional mediator like Deacon Jeff but this chapter was a big help in laying out a course of action—full of love and prayer (heaven knows we could all use more of that right now!)—in case I ever feel the need to have a ‘Successful Confrontation’.