Reflection authored by Patty Mayer, Director of Adult Faith Formation, Coordinator of RCIA, and Spiritual Director

As I read this chapter I thought of two distinct Bible stories - in Genesis when Jacob wrestles all night with God, and in Acts of the Apostles when Saul is knocked down and blinded.  Both of these men were passionate in what they were doing and where they were going, yet they were stopped in their tracks, in the darkness, until they were ready to face the light of truth. As a result of this moment, their life was changed, Jacob becomes Israel and Saul joins the ones he was persecuting, and is called Paul.  Both men continued to be passionate, as they followed God’s will in their life.

One of the hardest parts of my divorce was not knowing the truth. My ex told me he wanted a divorce but never told me why.  A year later I would find the truth.  The truth was painful; I wanted to run away or ignore it because of the inner turmoil it caused me.  The more I wrestled with it the more I found myself in a dark place and alone. One day my spiritual director asked me if God was present in the darkness.  I closed my eyes to imagine me in the darkness. I could see myself sitting on a dirt floor in complete darkness with my knees bent up, and my forehead resting on my knees. I noticed my back was leaning against something cool and smooth.  Having been in the darkness for so long I only now realized, as I slowly lifted my head, my eyes had adjusted to the dark. I sensed Him before I saw Him. Jesus was laying on a cement slab next to me… we were in the tomb.  I could see His eyes as He looked at me and said very peacefully, “we can leave whenever you are ready to face the light.” That week I found a support group and began the hard journey of truth seeking –  the next few months I would have revelation after revelation about my ex, and about me. I read book after book to learn more, but, as the author here suggests, head knowledge is not heart knowledge, so I took what I was learning to prayer.  My daily prayer became, “God, help me to forgive, … to not lose myself, … to trust that ‘I am enough’ just as I am.” As I continued to open myself to God’s truth I began to rediscover my “amazing heart.” 

Jesus tells us “If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:31-32).   

My truth seeking journey has never stopped, but my focus now is on myself – who am I and who does God call me to be.  The more I open myself to the truth of God’s word and God’s will in my life the more I am able to passionately live the amazing life I was made for!

 

Ponder:

  • Is there a truth I am running from?

  • When have I wrestled with God or been knocked down?

  • Am I passionately living God’s will in my life? How?

More:

At the Revive, Refresh, Renew: Encountering Christ event on Feb 6 I will be sharing a story about God’s truth being revealed to me through a water jug.  Join us for a day of worship stories, prayers, and community.  To reserve your spot, register today at Revive, Refresh, Renew: Encountering Christ