Reflection authored by: Patty Mayer, Director of AFF, Coordinator of RCIA, and Spiritual Director

Years ago I was a counselor in a Residential Treatment facility for Juvenile Delinquents.  I learned quickly I needed to talk the talk and walk the walk.  Any discrepancy between what I said and what I did was challenged.  I didn’t discredit their challenge because I was their counselor, or because they were a delinquent teenager, instead I took it to heart. I couldn’t counsel them on integrity, honesty, trust, respect, or anything else unless I was willing to get real in how I lived those things too, which meant confronting my own weaknesses.

I remember a day I was leading a group therapy session and the boys were being especially difficult.  After repeated attempts to bring them into conversation and threats to repeat group tomorrow, I finally walked out.  Later that night one of the young men called me on my action.  He was pretty upset with me for leaving instead of leading. We had a beautiful conversation about his awareness of his abandonment issues and how my walking out triggered him. I apologized to him, making no excuses for my behavior. This situation called out my weakness to take flight during a difficult situation rather than to see it through. The next day, as we gathered to make-up the group session, I apologized to the whole group identifying that it wasn’t right of me to walk out, first, I know that many of them have abandonment issues and my actions may have only added to that, and second, as their counselor I am called to walk with them through tough situations, not leave them. I promised them I would not walk out again. For the next 9 years I never walked out on an individual, family, nor group, no matter how crazy it got. I learned to stick with it, and even lean into the uncomfortableness. I found conflict to be used as a defense mechanism protecting something real they didn’t want to talk about. The more I leaned in to the conflict the harder it was for them to avoid the real issues, this is where weaknesses would be revealed, while awareness and change could begin.  

This was not the first nor the last time I would apologize to a client, or a parent, or an entire group – we all mess up, and heartfelt apologies give us the chance to admit we are trying to be real, and that being real is hard, messy, and imperfect.

These were not the only life lessons I received while working with the teenagers. As a counselor I was open to learning from them as much as they learned from me. I am not sure I always appreciated it at the time, but what a gift they were as they showed my weaknesses over and over again, and unknowingly pushed me to be better.

A mistake we sometimes make in life is that we are “done” learning and growing. The last three years I have learned a lot about myself as I processed both my marriage and my divorce. I have spent a lot of time reflecting back on who I was before I met my ex, especially the time I worked with those young men and women, versus who I was at the end of my marriage. I was very different, and in many ways not a good different. So I started to dig into what changed and why.  I could sit here and blame my ex, but that doesn’t help because the only person I can change is me, (which was a life lesson I tried to teach my kids all those years ago). So I have looked at me, my weaknesses and my choices.  I’ve learned a lot about myself, and, like the young man above who confronted me, I have grown an awareness of “issues” and how I respond to them. My weaknesses will not go away, but I can learn how to live with them in positive ways, and, because I will screw up, as we all do, I will continue to be aware of and apologize for my weaknesses that lead me to make not so great choices.

 

Reflect:

  • Am I aware of my own weaknesses?

  • How do I respond when someone points out my weakness?

  • How quick am I to point out the weakness of others?

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