Reflection authored by: Jan Brown, Parishioner and local AMOS coordinator
How often are we really honest with ourselves? It is difficult to look deep within ourselves and see why we react the way we do. I have become aware that I have a hot button. Rejection is my hot button and when I feel this way, I always react the same way. I have followed exactly the same patterns time after time. Whenever I had a disagreement or felt put down by someone, I always reacted the same. I walked off in a huff and felt sorry for myself. I cultivated and massaged my hurt. I wouldn’t face the person head on. I buried my anger. Finally, I resumed my normal life, like nothing ever happened, never resolving the issue.
I did not realize this until I completed the Ignation Spiritual Exercises. I didn’t like what I realized about myself and my inability to change. But if I was ever going to become a better person, I needed to react differently when I felt rejection. The Exercises helped me to be really honest with myself and vulnerable, especially with God. According to Chapter 8 in our book “You’re Amazing”, you will only find true freedom when you are real about the battles you face and face them head-on.
Since the George Floyd murder by members of the Minneapolis police force, I had to look deeply at myself to understand what was happening in our society. I started to read books and take courses from various sources about the causes of discrimination. I also had to look deep within my own heart. What role did I play? I studied, I discussed and I prayed. What racial policies have I supported? Why do I live in Ankeny in a nice middle class neighborhood rather than in Des Moines in a more diverse neighborhood. Why did I want my children to go to the Ankeny Schools? Am I fearful when I see a black man approaching me in an area I consider unsafe?
Certainly, I am not racist! I believe we are all children of God and should be treated equally.
Taking the course entitled “What Lies Between Us” by Dr. Lucretia Carter Berry, I took an Implicit Bias test to determine if I had any bias towards people of color. How did I score? I was so ashamed. The test results showed I definitely show bias towards people of color. How can this be? I thought I was a good person. Knowing this has caused me to want to change.
“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32.) The book tells us that “being real sometimes hurts, but it will empower you to change the world. Jesus Christ died on a bloody cross, so we might have life. Christ set us free.”