Written by: Patty Mayer
“He breaks himself open and pours himself out. Shattered, vulnerable, bleeding, and hanging on a cross. “Do this in memory of me,” he says. Holy smokes! That’s a big ask. We tape the pieces of our lives together and try to pretend we’re not broken, he breaks himself apart and distributes the pieces to all of us so that we have a chance to be whole for real with him. It’s almost too much.”
I’ve sat with these words from our author for quite some time.
I am no stranger to being vulnerable and sharing my story. My hope is that through sharing my story I may help others on their journey. It’s not healthy for any of us to pretend we are not broken. I’m both broken and a beloved child of God. It’s beautiful when we can share all of ourselves with others, the good and the not so good..
When I walked through the early years of my divorce, I had two voices vying for my attention. I had the worldly voice that continued to encourage me to be angry, to be “entitled,” to be the victim. Then I had the voice of God challenging me to exam my own heart, and to forgive. The worldly voice and the voice of God were in opposition to one another.
I chose forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not an easy choice, so why did I choose it?
Jesus.
In the gospel, Jesus’ teachings challenge us to become the person He calls us to be. What I found in the teachings of Jesus were to turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:38-40), love my enemy (Luke 6:27 and Matthew 5:44), and forgive (multiple teachings on this!). When a person has been hurt, turning the other cheek or forgiving are not what our world would constitute as a “natural” response.
One of the things that aided me was the book, “Amish Grace,” which is the story of a school shooting in a one-room Amish school. The story quickly moved from a school shooting to an in-depth look into the Amish people and their desire to forgive the family of the shooter. Why did they choose forgiveness? The simple answer is the Lord’s Prayer. They pray the Lord’s Prayer multiple times a day, thus these are the words they live by. And if we stop to think of the words, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” we are challenged to see that we are forgiven by our forgiving nature towards others. Much like the parable of the unforgiving servant:
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.[r] 21 Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 [s]Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. 23 That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. 24 [t]When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. 25 Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. 26 [u]At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.’ 27 Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan. 28 When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount.[v] He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ 29 Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ 30 But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt. 31 Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. 32 His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. 33 Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’ 34 Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt.[w] 35 [x]So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35)
A very challenging parable – yet such a powerful experience when we can live into what it calls us to.
Forgiveness became my journey. Through forgiving I was able to find the spiritual freedom to let go of the anger, and the hold that anger had on me, going forward. I tell people that forgiveness was the most selfish thing I did – with the help of God’s grace I forgave, and by forgiving I was able to remain faithful to myself.
Reconciliation will not happen between my ex and I, but I have had moments of reconciliation as I reconcile what I thought or believed to be true with what I now know as the truth.
By listening to the voice of God in my life, and choosing forgiveness and reconciliation I am in a place where I am more free and open to the path before me.
When you are struggling with a teaching in scripture be careful to not reduce or change it to fit your life. It’s okay if Jesus’ teachings challenge us. Seek a spiritual director or trusted faithful friend who can help you to be challenged and to seek what Jesus may be calling you to.