Reflection authored by: Patty Mayer, Director of AFF, Coordinator of RCIA, and Spiritual Director
In September of 2017 my husband told me he wanted a divorce, in October our house was put on the market and sold, then in November I put all my belongings into storage while I moved into my sister’s basement. Being only two months in, wrapping my own head around what was happening, I had only told my inner circle of family and friends about what was going on. Just before I moved I decided to make it more public because I knew I needed prayers and support from community, so I sent an email to our local CEW community to ask for prayers and support, and to be transparent about the hardship I was going through. I hit send and I was both sick, and at peace. I had just shared with hundreds of people the darkest experience of my life – an experience that included feelings I was still figuring out – shame, regret, confusion, and anger; yet, what a relief to bring it into the light and invite others to walk with me. I had opened a door that left me completely exposed. The response I received was so positive and came in many unexpected ways. Something I heard multiple times was gratitude towards me for being so vulnerable and sharing so personally… I began to wonder if we don’t do this (vulnerability) enough.
How often do we really “get naked” and vulnerable with others? Do we really reveal who we are, or do we hide ourselves behind masks, shields, walls, or anything that makes us feel protected? How comfortable are we when someone else is vulnerable with us?
It’s hard to be real sometimes, to stand vulnerable and naked in front of others. People tell me I do it well, OMGoodness, if only you could see me from the inside, as my mind goes blank, my whole body shakes, I fight tears, and sometimes want to throw up.
Part of working through my divorce has been digging deep to find myself, being open to the hard questions, and not letting up. 2020 has been a year of transformation and opening for me. Living alone leaves lots of time for digging into my own heart and soul. With all that alone time at the beginning of the pandemic, my family thought I was crazy when I let them know, with great excitement, that in the middle of June I found a retreat center open and I was heading out for an 8-day silent retreat. That retreat was transformational. I worked with my spiritual director to face the many things that had been stirring up within me, and found ways to release some of the holds my marriage/divorce still had on me. I found freedom because I wasn’t afraid to lean into the hard conversations and dig deep within me with honesty.
Brene Brown is an author and researcher in the subject of vulnerability and shame. In an interview she says that in those moments when you are living in uncertainty or vulnerability:
“Don’t tap out, stay brave, stay uncomfortable, stay in the crunchy moment, lean into the hard conversations, and keep leaning, stay brave.”
As I journey through life I do my best to be real and vulnerable because I believe it is essential. When I am truly vulnerable I am able to see myself as I am – my strengths and my weaknesses – and take the next step in becoming the amazing person God created me to be!
Reflect:
Who can I “get real” with?
What areas of my life do I need to get more vulnerable with?
How do I respond when others are vulnerable with me?
BONUS Material:
In the book the author suggests finding a Spiritual Director. CLICK here for a list of Spiritual Directors in the Diocese. Spiritual Direction is a wonderful way of getting vulnerable in a safe space.
Brene Brown is an amazing author and researcher on things such as shame and vulnerability. Here is her TED talk on vulnerability. I also highly recommend her book Daring Greatly, it made a huge impact on my life